The Ingredients of A "Real" Mom

One of the hardest and most shocking phrases I have ever heard in the last four years is “where is K’s real mom?”  That question has always cut me to the quick.  In that moment of ignorance, I am reminded that this child, by society’s standards, will never be mine.  He will always be known as a child placed by his mother with a forever family. While we have come along way as a society accepting and embracing adoption, this question always reminds me that we have a long way to go. 

Of course, I am not an idiot.  K has a “Real” mom or what we refer to as his Bio mom.  We have always honored her and respected her for K.  No matter the choices she has made, the level of honor and respect we always give her is untouchable.  She had the privilege of carrying him for 9 months and raising him for 3 years.  She is responsible for the first 3 years of his life… the successes and the failures.  His “Real” mom was the only reason I got to be his mama.  She had true courage and made the most selfless decision placing K with us.  

But, even saying all of that, I believe firmly, now after 4 years, mom is not a title that should be shared.  This is a title that belongs to only one woman in his life.  It is a title that is earned and it is most definitely a privilege, not a right.

How do you earn this distinction?  What makes a “real” mom?

I believe it is earned by the endless supply of hugs and kisses.  You earn this by the sleepless nights when you are rocking a sick child and changing soiled sheets.  It is earned in the sideline cheers when they make their first goal or shoot their first basket.  It is earned in the tears that fall from your eyes when they experience their first bully.  It is earned by the many meals prepared by a woman so tired her bones ache.  For every pickup and drop off that makes a taxi cab driver cringe, the title of “Real” mom is earned.  A “Real” mom chooses you, no matter what.  She will gladly lay her life down for you anytime, day or night.  All of her greatest desires comes only after you have received all you have ever wanted.  She does this with no regrets.

A “Real” mom helps you achieve all of your hopes and dreams.  No matter how far away those dreams are, she is the cheerleader pushing you along.  She works endlessly to make sure you have every opportunity to learn, grow and succeed.  A “Real” mom holds your hand when you are scared and hugs you tight when you are sad.  A “Real” mom knows the words to say to build you up and knows how to check you when you need a little kick in the keester.  She is the one who teaches you to pray and have faith in things unseen.  Her belief in you makes you feel like you can do anything.  A “Real” mom never gives up on you… no matter how many times you fall.  She is right there grabbing your hand and pulling you up.

For a RAD mom it is earned by the thousands of prayers that she says because her fear about what your future may look like, keeps her up most nights.  She earns this title for every book she has read on attachment, every conference she spend her days attending, every “expert” that tells her what she is doing wrong.  For the countless visits of therapy she has made sure to get for you.  She is the one who has found the perfect therapist that knows about RAD and can help you succeed.  She is the one who has made phone calls for hours to insurance companies who have never heard of RAD and tells her that services are not covered.  Even after all of that, she continues to earn the title after years of fits, manipulation, triangulation and name calling.  For every time the child she fights for, with every breath in her body, says they hate her.  For every time she has kept you safe and kept others around you safe… the title of Mom is surely hers.  A “Real RAD” mom knows all of these things… deeply.

So, while logic and reasoning clearly tells me I am not K’s “Real’ mom… I know the truth.  While society will still ask the question, “where is K’s Real Mom?”  I will silently, defiantly answer, “right here”.  I am his mother… his real mother.  While we will never share blood, we share a connection that is much more tangible and real.  It is in the everyday moments of connection that we create our definition of mother and son.

Even though I know a time will come when he searches out his “real” mom, I am hopeful that I can celebrate this moment knowing that my son knows who his mom is.  That this answer will be enough.  That I will be enough.  I can’t say that this day will not break my heart and make me feel like a stand-in mom.  All I can do is soak up every moment of being K’s mom and be truly thankful.  Thankful for the gift that is my son. 

Recipe for a “Real” Mom

Endless, overflowing cups of unconditional love even when the batter is stiff and rigid.  Take the time to knead out the lumps and spread the love all day.

Fruits- Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Generosity, Gentleness, Faithfulness, Modesty, Self Control, Chastity

Chop all these Fruits of the Spirit into bite size pieces; introduce and fold gently into the batter

10 Heaping Cups of empathy and compassion- add where and when needed

3 Extra Large Spoonfuls of Determination.  Add this in every time the batter calls for a little more effort.

Pinch of humor and sarcasm.  This step is not to be forgotten.   

Sprinkle of Discipline coated in Kindness

Turn the flame on low.  Be sure to stand watch and stir it up as it cooks, making sure to scrape the bottom for any unwanted residue.  Make sure to turn the flame down when it bubbles over and threatens to ruin the batch.  Skim and remove the icky stuff when it rises and settles on the top.  Cook with care and pray daily over the batter.  Then, after 18 years of gentle cooking, enjoy the fruits of your labor.  Be sure to savor every bite, knowing you will not be able to save any for later.  Take the time to be thankful for the plentiful ingredients the Holy Spirit has given you.