***This blog post will be a series of posts about what RAD is and how it
has changed our family.
Do you remember that TV show from when we
were younger called Gumby? It was about
a weird looking, super flexible green guy and his sidekick {who I think was a
horse???}. Well, I absolutely hated this
show. Like, really hated the show. But after raising a RAD-ical child, I now
have learned to love Gumby. He was such
a flexible dude. Very laid back and go
with the flow. Very much like our
family.
During the last 4 years we have really
worked on being flexible. This is much
more difficult to accomplish than it sounds.
First of all, we are a very large family. You can’t really be super flexible in a
family with so many people. You have
tight schedules that have to be followed and places that you have to constantly
run to. You usually arrive at events in
the nick of time or late and you always arrive forgetting something. We load up a van full of cranky and
uncooperative kids as we juggle bags, car seats, purse, phone and, hopefully, a
set of car keys.
Second, I am not really known to be
flexible. I come from a very long line
of inflexible descendants. I believe my
earliest blood relative was probably Lot’s wife who just had to turn around and
maintain control. Right before she
turned into a pillar of salt, she most likely yelled at Lot for not giving her
advance notice of impending doom. I have
to know every detail down to the nitty gritty.
When I check into a hotel, the very first thing I do is grab the hotel
information book and read it, cover to cover.
If my routine is messed with, I turn into a very cranky lady and usually
can not turn my mood around.
Lastly, I absolutely must have control over
my environment. I like to drive and hate
being the passenger. I schedule out my
week and make sure I have things laid out in the morning. If I get up late or miss an alarm I would
rather burn a vacation day than start off running around like a chicken with my
head cut off. Control of my environment
and every little detail is essential to giving me security as a person.
And, then came K...
This lil Feisty Dude! Sleeping with his Dad
Reading to his Little Brother
The first night that K came to our house we
decided to surprise him with his new room.
The beds were made up with Toy Story gear and we had set the room up
with toys and all the love we could muster.
The whole family was excited to surprise K. I ran to the room first with my camera to
record the moment he saw all of our hardwork.
In my head I had already planned the celebration. The big smile, the cheering from our
beautiful, blended family, happy tears would be shed…all while I recorded this
monumentous event to share with our families.
It was going to be absolutely stunning.
It would bring everyone to tears with the beauty of this amazing room
detailed with love. Little did I know
that for a RAD-ical child… surprises are the worst thing they can be given.
To say this turned into a cluster would be
a major understatement. To begin with K
would not even walk into the room. He
literally stood at the doorway, tears in his eyes and, seemingly, defiantly
refusing to put even a toe into the room.
All of the kids were excited and smiling as K just stood there at the
door. We kept encouraging him to come in
and that pressure caused him to cry. Huge,
angry tears. My beautifully planned,
down to the last detail. reveal was spoiled.
It was one of our very first failures as K’s parents and one of the
first telling moments of what our future would be.
Every birthday, holiday, special event or
celebration is sabotaged by K. Mind you,
this is not because he wants to. He just
is not able to function in big events that keep him off his normal schedule. He either acts out, purposefully creates
chaos or refuses to participate. The
pressure and the build up creates so much anxiety that he just can’t handle
it. When he can’t handle it, he makes
sure to create massive chaos which ensures that no one has a fun time.
For years, we did not understand this. We mistook his anxiety for defiance. His acting out was given punishments. His fit throwing resulted in removal from
family activities. His refusal to
participate resulted in isolation as we continued on without him. All typical consequences for a “normal”
kid. We never took the time to see our
son as anything other than a “Normal” kid.
It took us 3 years, multiple therapists and psychiatrists to finally learn
that WE, not he, had to be flexible. We
had to accept the fact that our son had special needs and much like a child who
has Downs Syndrome, you learn to make concessions.
You learn how to make these moments count for
every child in your family.
Last Christmas our family experienced a
huge shift in thinking. We learned how
to be flexible. We started this process
by simply making no big plans. I had
made a list of crafts, snacks, games, movies, places to go … same thing I had
done for the last 16 years. The night
before the kids Christmas break, I ripped the list in half. My calendar that I had painstakingly planned
daily activities was put up in a corner of my room. I made a conscience decision to not make
plans, travel or do big activities. I knew
I wanted our family to do our Reynolds Christmas sleepover and our big New
Years Eve party. But, that was it. After careful discernment, we decided these 2
events would be the only planned activities out of the ordinary.
Everyday I reminded K of those two events
and what they would look and feel like.
Everyday I worked very hard to find ways to praise and encourage
Keegan. I kept our daily schedule loose
and flexible. I gave myself a morning
pep talk to be flexible {while I drank a hefty cup of highly caffeinated
coffee}. For the first time in forever, I gave K some
rope. He had room for mistakes and this
allowed me to see more clearly if his behavior was typical 8 year old behavior
or if this was a RAD thing. If it was
typical behavior I bit my tongue and did not correct it. I was successful about 75% of the time. And, you know what? Our sleepover was magical and our New Years
Eve party was a huge hit… for everyone.
One Big Happy, Flexible Family!
Playing Bean Boozled as a Family!
It has taken me WAY too long to embrace my son’s
differences. To really accept and love
him where he is at. I am really embarrassed and ashamed to admit that. But, I also know that by admitting that, I can now fully embrace who K is today. Instead of worrying
about what his future holds, I work everyday to make sure his daily life is
successful and positive. I am striving
to become like Gumby and move through our moments of celebration with
flexibility.
This has been a positive change all
around. All of us are benefitting from
losing that control that was the rhythm of all our days. K has shown me the value of not being in
control. Sometimes you focus so much on
the to-do list that you lose sight of the big picture. The big picture is and has always been to
raise a happy, healthy family. By
learning to be flexible we are moving closer to achieving that for all of our
children, most importantly, K.
For anyone that has ever had any questions, please visit this website:
http://www.attachmenttraumanetwork.org/
If you would like to watch a great video on how to better understand parents of RAD kids this is a must see:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ypmGTGGN7A&feature=youtu.be&app=desktop
If you think your child may be suffering from RAD, use this link to see the questionnaire that begins the process of diagnosis:
http://www.housecallscounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/RADQ-PDF-20100623.pdf
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