Raising 4 kids was a tough job. I found myself on a daily basis struggling
with curbing my temper. My temper
presents itself in “Freak Outs”. I am
sure more than one mom out there will understand what this looks and feels
like. At best, it is a screaming psycho
and at worst, it’s a heart pounding, breath losing, shaking rage that you can
feel in the tips of your fingers. It is
NEVER good to parent while losing your temper.
And, proudly {there is that pesky deadly sin of pride} I had rarely
experienced that crazy rage level. I
could be a screaming psycho at times, but shortly after, I would be able to
apologize for my “freak out” and start again.
I always used the following mantra to help me calm down in my moments of
parenting weakness:
“Patience is a virtue, virtue is its own
reward.”
Until, K came along I thought I had
this patience thing nailed down. In
fact, I always thought Job had nothing on me.
People around me have always taken note of my patience. When you have a large family with little
kids, you have to have a large amount of patience. Going to the grocery store to pick up a weeks
worth of food with a baby in a sling, a 6 year old in the cart and 2 older
siblings holding on to the sides is really comical to see. Checking out in an aisle that is full of
candy and small little toys is a cramped hell for any parent. However, a grocery trip and checkout with a RAD-ical kid... let me try to give you a picture.
After making it through the shopping list, you end up in checkout aisle of doom. Your sweet RAD kid is so impulsive he touches everything… I mean EVERYTHING. Every candy bar, sucker, toy, magazine and
all with the demand that he “wants that”.
Not only is he impulsive he loves to maintain control of everything. I am sure you are saying to yourself... "all kids do that. This is typical behavior of a 7 year old." However, this is a RAD kid.
When you say no, he demands to know why and will not stop asking the
question until everyone in the aisle is listening to his mean mom. He is intentional about catching everyone's eyes and has perfected the look of the "injured child". His need for control forces him to amp up the chaos ensuring that more people will come to his show.
Picture this scenario happening 10 times over 10 different items all
while checking out with his demands getting louder and more aggressive. He is now grabbing items, throwing them in the cart, as you are trying to retrieve them and put them back. You know the only way to stop this cluster is to get the RAD child in the cart. While this struggle bus is happening, the judgment of
every parent can be felt in every pore of your body. You know this because you used to be that
judging parent. The same parent who is now
behind you, mumbling, “kids today” while sighing very loudly as you struggle to move the
RAD child to inside the cart. He begins screaming, "you're hurting me! Why do you hate me! You always hurt me!". You have to calmly say, and loudly for all the gawkers, "I am keeping you safe and everyone else safe."
Your other
kids are mortified and are of absolutely no use because they are so embarrassed they want to disappear. The checkout lady is asking
you if you paid for the candy bar the RAD kid has now somehow managed to unwrap
during the chaos. He is smiling because for him, this is a victory. You pay for the
groceries and the candy bar. While walking out of the store you know you
have to take the candy bar from him because he clearly stole it.
You don’t want to. You know the
fresh hell that will result when you do so, but you have to. You are the parent. You take a deep, slow breathe and prepare for another battle to begin again.
This is a typical errand that all RAD
parents experience. This is just one
little example and we are super, #blessed, that we get to have many more to come
on a typical day. The amount of
patience that you have to have and maintain throughout the day is truly your
super power. By the end of the night you
are too drained to even read a chapter from a book. But, if you have succeeded in truly being
patient, you can rest a little more easy knowing that, for today you showed
your child what true love looks like. It
is never giving up. It is being the calm
in a raging storm. It is being strong
even when you feel like you can’t take one second more.
For a RAD child, they love creating and
living in chaos. The more chaos they
create, the more control they are able to keep.
Control is the only security they have.
This makes a lot of sense considering most children with RAD come from a
background that was unstable and did not give them a consistent, loving,
engaged caregiver. They learn to protect
themselves by creating this tornado of negative energy. This makes them feel normal.
When I finally understood this, it helped
make sense of why Keegan seemingly is comfortable when things are going badly. Keegan is not a bad child, incapable of
making good choices. He is a traumatized
child who never properly learned what stability looks and feels like.
In comparison, the polar opposite non-RAD child hates chaos. Chaos makes them feel insecure, unsafe and
vulnerable. They feel this way because
when they were babies, they had mothers and fathers who were capable of hugging
and holding them while maintaining eye contact.
This child knew that every night they would be laid in their own crib,
with an established bedtime routine and all their needs met. Their bellies would be full and they would
know with certainty that when they woke up they would have their mom or dad
there. They knew they would have a meal
and they would be returning to that same crib at night. This created nurturing and attachment. A RAD child did not have this experience
during the first 3 years of their life.
That makes me sad. So very sad.
But, it also makes me feel hopeful. It gives me purpose. It makes me understand that everyday I wake
up, I have to attack the idea that chaos is safe. I have to do this lovingly and
patiently. If I can dig deep and see my child as a hurt child, I can ignore the inner voice that tells me he is a bad child. I can correct him with love rather than anger. Understanding why he is acting this way instead of how could he act this way, has revolutionized the way we have parented K.
For a RAD parent, patience is counting to 3
calmly and slowly. And doing that a hundred times
during the day. Patience is keeping a
straight face when your child screams how much they hate you... everyday. Patience is walking a mile down a mountain while he screams that you are "hurting him" right after he has attempted to push his brother off a steep cliff. All while being followed by Judgy McJudgerson who is clearly considering calling the police on you. Patience is listening to the "experts" tell you he just needs consistency- ha! Patience is calmly listening to well intentioned family members tell you how they would raise him if they had the chance. Patience is calmly dodging an object that is
chucked out of anger. Patience is calmly
telling your other 4 children to go to the basement as a fit escalates into the
second full hour. Patience is feeling
like you want to run away screaming but standing still and taking it. Patience is waiting to receive a happy phone
call from school. Patience is waiting
for the day when you get to see a small, glimmer of hope. Patience is loving a child who can not love you back and believing one day he will. Patience for a RAD parent means soaking up every good moment and savoring that victory knowing tomorrow you start all over.
During this journey, I have had the reward
of really understanding what a gift patience is. I have learned the importance of refining yourself as a human being. The idea that you come out stronger in the end, is really true. Every bad day, ends in a moment of strength with the knowledge that you survived. K has taught me that love is a
absolutely a verb. A verb that is selfless and does not need to be reciprocated to be true. Love needs to be nurtured and that
takes time. It takes so much time especially if you never knew it from birth. Love is trusted only after
you destroy the comfort of chaos.
It is vital to take the time to notice the small changes. The tiny steps forward in a very long journey. We are making strides. Our love and patience is creating lasting change. We do see the
light.
K is doing awesome in school… patience
is a virtue, virtue is its own reward.
K has not stolen in 3 months… patience is a virtue, virtue is its
own reward. K no longer throws hours long fits everyday, these are fewer and shorter... patience is a virtue, virtue is its own reward. K showed true gratitude
at his last birthday and genuinely thanked every guest there… patience is a
virtue, virtue is its own reward. K
loves his baby sister and her biggest smiles are reserved for him… patience is
a virtue, virtue is its own reward. K brushed my hair and laid his head on my lap for no other reason than being open to receiving love... patience is a virtue, virtue is its own reward.
The
last 4 years have not been easy and noticing positive changes has definitely
been challenging for us. We have intentionally surrounded ourselves with supportive family and friends. They take the time to remind us of how far we have come when we have forgotten where we started. I am now convinced with patience
will come reward and I am very confident that K will continue showing us
these magical moments of awesome. It is only with the grace of God that I take note of these moments and breathe them in deeply. These moments are what makes every bad day worth it.
For anyone that has ever had any questions, please visit this website:
For anyone that has ever had any questions, please visit this website:
http://www.attachmenttraumanetwork.org/
If you would like to watch a great video on how to better understand parents of RAD kids this is a must see:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ypmGTGGN7A&feature=youtu.be&app=desktop
If you think your child may be suffering from RAD, use this link to see the questionnaire that begins the process of diagnosis:
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